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Monday, July 16, 2012

50 Shades of Vehicles

Last Thursday, my husband and I were talking about how his mother hadn't called him in awhile. "She must be pissed about something" he said, to which I agreed. "She's probably still mad that you didn't go to the Olive Garden dinner", to which I didn't agree. I said, "if she doesn't talk to me, then she's mad about the Olive Garden, but I've already seen her since then and she was fine, it must be you." 

On Saturday, my husband was back at his mother's house because he works there every other weekend. He called and said, "the new truck (Honda Ridgeline) is gone and a new Honda Crosstour is in its place." The whole weekend she never said anything to him about her newest vehicle because at some point she has to realize what a lunatic she is. Who buys a car for 2 weeks. Doesn't she even test drive before purchasing?

Monday, July 9, 2012


June 4th was my husband and I's one year anniversary. We had a nice dinner, and got a very sweet card from my parents and got a card from one of my husband's cousins.

The day after, my husband was on the phone with his mother who said, "it's almost been one year since I talked to my sister." My husband said, "it was one year ago yesterday". MIL said, "Oh, well you made it a year, you'll make it forever". She said the same thing when we had only been dating for 6 months, 1 year, and 2 years, etc. She finds a phrase and sticks to it.

50 Shades of Stupid

My husband works in his hometown every other weekend doing lawn maintenance. He keeps his lawn equipment at her house and during this last tropical storm, several tree limbs came down on her property. When he showed up to her house the first thing she said was, "you better have brought your chain saw with you or you can leave now. it's your fault these limbs are in my yard." He said "BIL was just here and could've cut some trees down and the chain saw has been here all along."

Then she told him she traded in her older truck and new Acura TSX (bought less than a year ago) and got a new truck. When he was less than thrilled to hear about her wasting more money and wasn't interested in looking at the truck, she cried and cried about how sad and lonely she is. Wah!


My husband's brother (BIL) has been in Afghanistan for the past year and came home a few weeks ago. This is only part of the reason they didn't come to my wedding.  BIL and SIL from hell are moving from Alaska to Pennsylvania in August and came to visit two weeks ago. YAY!

Flying into a big city between her family and my husband's afforded them the opportunity to still drive many miles and to visit as many people as they could. Visiting my MIL and husband was scheduled for the end of their trip. They got to town on a Tuesday and MIL set up a dinner for family and friends that live nearby. Dinner with her is always at the Olive Garden, which I loathe entirely. My husband didn't want to go as he and his brother haven't been close since he got back together with SIL.

A little history...

Last deployment (09-10), SIL met BIL in Hawaii during BIL's vacation time where she professed she no longer loved him. When BIL arrived home, she met him at the airport only to give him his car keys and to inform him that she had already moved out and in with another dude. She also, supposedly, emptied their shared bank account. Months later, he took her lame ass back. All this was secondhand information from one of BIL's friends, who happens to live in the same town as my husband and I.

So the dinner happened, I didn't go, and my husband said it was awkward as he thought it would be.

I did, however, meet them for lunch on Friday. SIL gave me a full hug and I felt her bones. She looked rail thin. BIL gave me his half hug, per usual. My husband and I hadn't seem them in a year and a half and the last time we saw them we had just gotten engaged. There were no congratulations from them and as my husband and I had drove separately to MIL's house to see them, they waited until I left to give my husband a Christmas present.

BIL's friend also joined us for lunch and dominated the entire lunch with tales of vacations to Europe. I think I rolled my eyes a few times and my husband hit my leg under the table a few times. Didn't BIL just get back from a year in Afghanistan? Weren't we all family and the friend the outsider? Listening to him go on and out about how he won a trip to Paris, for the 2nd time, just made me want to gag.

SIL and BIL left the next day, and as expected, we haven't heard from them. Supposedly they're coming for Christmas but we hope to avoid them entirely.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Life with MIL

Mother in law told my husband on Saturday she may come for dinner on Sunday (yesterday) and when we hadn't heard from her by 3 in the afternoon, I thought she wasn't coming. To be safe I asked my husband to call her and ask her if she was coming. Yep. She said she'd be there in an hour. He got off the phone quickly, but I made him call her back to tell her that I would be cooking and dinner would be ready by 5. I don't like to eat that early, but I didn't want her to think she was coming to my house to take over my kitchen like she normally tries to do. Also, she lives an hour and a half away and would have to drive home afterwards. MIL has never spent the night at our house and probably never will. Whew!

My husband helped clean up, which he always does and she always makes a big deal about it saying, "I can't believe you're doing dishes, you never do that at my house". To which I say, "that's because you always tell him he's doing it wrong and you've babied him his whole life." Okay, I don't really say that, but I want to. Instead I just smile and nod.
After that, my husband laid on the couch and I was stuck talking to MIL about all kinds of weird topics, like her cousins' sex lives with their ex-wives and her ex-boyfriends cancer stricken son. MIL just ended her 2nd relationship since the passing of my husband's father. She didn't date for 4 years, but has now ended 2 relationships. I hope she finds another man soon because she's talking about selling her house and moving 40 minutes from us. She says it is to in the same town as her closest friends, but also to be closer to us.
She has lived in the same town her whole life, with the exception of a 6 month stint in Fort Lauderdale while she went to cosmetology school. She's gone to the same church her whole life, works for her brother, and owns her house on 2.5 acres and 2 lots and lives across the street from the beach. I don't understand her wanting to move, but she was insistent that the time was coming soon where she would be selling her house and moving.

When my husband and I mentioned that we hoped to buy a house in the next few months, she said we should buy a house with some land where she could build an addition and live with us some day. THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN. We haven't been been married a year, and she is already thinking she will live with us? At this juncture, my husband spoke up from the couch and said, "Why don't you move near BIL?" 

She didn't really get the hint, but said she needed to be near us in case something happened with her health. Near us is better than next to us, I suppose.

... on her way out the door she said she needed to go to the bathroom. As she was walking out the door she said, "I had to poop, so I left the fan on."

Really. Wow. My family can be pretty crass but wow, that was totally unnecessary.
She showed up an hour late, when dinner was already on the table. She also showed up with TONS of food in in hand. She started to take things out and I told her to sit down as dinner was hot and ready. She brought all kinds of extra things she wanted served with dinner so I heated rolls and some vegetables in the microwave, but that was it. She wanted us to have all her leftovers, as usual, so I split them up into various containers while she stayed at the kitchen table. I was grateful for her not to be in my kitchen. Also, she complemented my cooking which was nice of her and a rarity.


Just found these two funny pictures about mother in laws.

Thursday, February 9, 2012


My mother in law has a ton of weird mannerisms that I could write at length about, but I thought I would start with 10 so you can have a picture in mind.
  1. She's 62 years old. She loves Chicos and CBS.
  2. While gardening, she sometimes pees outside on her grass instead of going inside to use the bathroom.
  3. She lives in a rural area of Florida where black bears roam. She keeps a compost pile and bears sometimes come on the property looking for food. I have heard her over the phone saying, "Now Bear, you get outta here now." Like it understands her or something.
  4. She was raised lower middle class, but now seems to have plenty of money.
  5. She invested in 2 lots right when the housing market was crashing and complains about this "investment" every chance she gets.
  6. She's half Greek, southern, and talks really fast.
  7. Because she's half Greek she wanted Baklava and chocolate covered almonds to be served at my wedding. It didn't happen, nor did "just cake and punch".
  8. She calls my husband's brother (BIL) #1, even though he was born 2nd.
  9. At one time she had 13 cats and 2 dogs. She is down to 4 cats at the moment (I think).
  10. Most of the conversations I have with her start with her saying the words "You need to...".

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Wedding Invitations

I got married last year and the planning of it was very stressful. I know everyone says that planning a wedding is stressful, but this was one of the hardest times in my life and the wedding was nearly called off several times. A lot of sweet people helped get me through the 6 month long engagement, including my very good friend Jennifer who had one of three bridal showers for me. My office had one for me and my MIL's church, the same one we were married in, had one for us as well.

We got married in MIL's church because it was free. Most places are $2,000 to rent, including this church, for non-members. The church is old and beautiful and a hop, skip, and a jump away from one of Florida's most beautiful beaches. This was supposed to out-weigh all the bad that I knew was going to come from having my wedding on her turf. Even now, I think maybe it just barely balanced out.

As soon as we were engaged, I started working on an invitation list. Family first, close friends second, and work associates third. My husband didn't want to invite anyone and wanted to elope so he wasn't much help. His mother wanted EVERYONE in the town to come, but I politely asked her to send me a list of people she wanted to invite with their addresses and I would let my husband decide if it was someone he wanted to invite. She didn't understand why because "in my day we put a notice in the paper and everyone just came." She also didn't understand why we needed to plan a menu with the caterer because "at my wedding we served cake and punch." My mother was a breeze... no stress there. My husband went through his mother's list and nixed at least half of the people his mother wanted to invite but got on board by inviting some of his clients. MIL threw a fit. A few people came to the wedding that weren't invited, but they were from my husband's family and were lovely and caused no problems. In the end, I was really happy they came. SN: My parents paid for 75% of my wedding and MIL only paid for the rehearsal dinner.

My husband's aunt, MIL's sister, also thought she should have input on the guest list. She thought that I should invite some of her friends so she could have a good time partying with her friends at my parents' expense (her words, not mine). My husband's aunt specifically wanted me to invite her best friend, who I didn't know. The aunt invited this friend (BFF) to two of my bridal showers, and BFF came to one where they sat in a corner and talked between themselves the entire time. After that she called me 3 or 4 times asking if I'd sent her BFF an invitation yet and each time I told her I was not going to as I couldn't even invite all the people I wanted to invite due to the cost of food and space. She wouldn't back down. Each time it was an uncomfortable conversation. Each time she phoned me and I told her no, she'd call her sister (MIL) to complain about it, then MIL would call my husband and I'd have to hear about it again. It made me stand my ground even more. Her friend was not invited, period.

To make matters worse, my husband's cousin (crazy aunt's son) was supposed to be a groomsman in our wedding. He backed out, 6 weeks before the wedding, due to the cost of the tuxedo. We were able to have one of my husband's professors from college stand in his place. This caused SO MUCH DRAMA. Crazy aunt called MIL crying that "we kicked the poor baby out of our wedding" and "they should be paying for tuxedos for all the groomsmen." My husband started avoiding calls from his cousin because at this same time his cousin kept asking for my husband for do some unethical stuff which isn't appropriate for this blog. A few days before the wedding the cousin called my cell phone to let me know he wasn't coming to our wedding at all and he didn't care to have a relationship with us.

A little history.... my husband's aunt lives in my town, not too far from me, yet my husband and I almost never saw her in the 4 years we dated. She lives with her son in his house. Shortly after we started dating, I found out he had some family in town and as my family lives far away I made an effort to start a relationship with them. The relationship became very limited when on the 2nd visit she offered me a joint and on the 3rd visit she offered me cocaine.

Speed up to the day before my wedding. My family had a beach house rented for the week prior to the wedding and we were having a huge BBQ for all of the friends and family in town for the wedding. Some friends from Louisiana brought 70 lbs of crawfish and it was just a splendid day all around. My husband's aunt came, but I didn't see much of her because she was at the beach nearly the whole time. (A blessing) She came with my MIL who was actually really well behaved. It was really a great day until later that night when on facebook I saw that my husband's aunt had a post that said something like "with my BFF INSERT FRIEND'S NAME HERE in INSERT CITY IN FLORIDA for a wedding". I COULD NOT believe that she invited her when I had specifically told her she was NOT invited her 3 or 4 times. I couldn't let it go. I went to see my mom and my aunt in another room of the beach house and told them how mad I was that she just did whatever the hell she wanted to do and my mom said "take care of it, handle it however you need to so that you can be okay for tomorrow". So I texted my husband's aunt. I said something like "I saw that you and BFF are in town partying. You invited her even after I told you that she wasn't invited 4 times?" Then I went to sleep with my phone on silent.

I woke up at 1:00 AM (day of wedding) and had two voicemails from my husband's aunt. She was obviously drunk. Did I mention she's an alcoholic too? Her voicemails were almost identical so I wondered if she even remembering that she had called the first time. It was drunken jibberish but it was something like this... "Fuck you and my nephew - you are the rudest bitch I've ever met. BFF is my best friend and I need someone to party with. BFF is the nicest person ever and she gave you a gift and I gave you a gift at your shower and she won't eat much and fine I just won't come my son is so pissed off at the both of you my sister you're a rude bitch fuck both of you fuck you".

So I called my husband who was out at a bar with our friends doing a last minute bachelor party and told him about the messages to which he said "that's it, she's no longer welcome in our lives and if she comes to the wedding I'll tell her she has to leave."

That was it. The next day was wonderful. We had a kind of Steel Magnolias wedding party at the salon while we got our hair done and I had my make-up done. We got dressed at a beautiful B&B across the street from the church. My mom was late getting to the B&B and when she showed up she seemed very upset but I didn't know why and she blew it off. We took pictures and everything was wonderful. The ceremony was beautiful and the decorations and food were lovely. The flowers were amazing. Later that night, after some people had already left the reception my husband and I were dancing and he told me that his aunt had shown up just before the ceremony.

I was so shocked. I hadn't even thought of her. I guess I figured based on her voicemails that she just wouldn't show up. It turns out she did, with her friend, and she was asked to leave by my husband. Before she did leave though, she got in my mom's face and asked why she wasn't welcome to which my mom said "you were welcome, but now you're not. You've done too much to Kathryn and now you have to leave." Crazy aunt yelled for MIL who was nearby, but MIL ignored her. She caused a huge scene as other guests were arriving but eventually stormed out with her friend in tow.

After the reception, my husband and I went to our honeymoon suite. I checked my blackberry and had 4 text messages and 1 or 2 voice mails from his aunt. Then I got on facebook and found where she had left the rudest comment on my wall underneath all the nice comments from friends congratulating me on my wedding. The voicemail, texts, and facebook messages were mostly all the same. It went something like this "You're a fat bitch. I bet Omar the tent maker had to make your dress because you're so fat. You'll be divorced in a month because your husband didn't even want to marry you. He was spending a lot of free time with this neighbor of mine (picture inserted) while you two were broken up a few months ago. All you do is lay around and you're a fat cow. You're a self centered spiteful witch." Talk about a romantic wedding night, right? I immediately deleted her from facebook and eventually deleted the text and voice messages.

About a week after our honeymoon, we returned her and BFF's gift. We called it "Operation Gift Return". My husband drove, I sat in the back with a camera (just in case), and our friend and neighbor (who was also in our wedding) rode shotgun. We stopped in the street in front of her house and he brought a bag of stuff to her front door. After that she kept texting me and I responded for the first time telling her how I didn't appreciate her actions. She kept on and I finally told her if she didn't stop that I would file harassment charges against her. I've not talked to or heard from her since. We saw each other (and her son) at a festival last fall, but her son ignored us and she just glared at us. We were with my husband's two great aunts and I know she was jealous/hurt/angry to see us with her aunts.

When I returned the aunt's BFF's $20 gift, I sent a letter apologizing for the horrible embarrassment she endured while leaving the church and explained the entire situation. The poor woman never knew that she wasn't invited. I found out later that my MIL had told her sister to go ahead and invite her friend. She told my husband this, not me. She said she was tired of hearing her sister complain that her friend wasn't invited. MIL didn't have the right to tell her it was okay. Also, it turns out that my on my wedding day my husband's aunt and BFF spent the day with MIL at her house. I have no idea if his aunt said anything to MIL about the texts or voicemails. I have no idea where she was staying while she was in town but I know it wasn't at MIL's house because my husband was staying there. I do know that if MIL hadn't given in to her and said it was okay none of this would've happened. I'm glad she's no longer in my life, but I hate that this disaster happened on my wedding day and because of me.

Update: Crazy aunt left several rude messages on MIL's answering machine and other family members answer machines. No one ever called her back. No one in my husband's family speaks to crazy aunt anymore including MIL who hasn't spoken to her sister since the day of the wedding.

Update 2: My husband's crazy aunt has never texted, called, or emailed my husband since he asked her to leave our wedding. She only called and texted me. Lucky me.

That was a close one!

First off, MIL just stopped in to see me at work as I was starting to write a blog entry about her. I closed the window before she could see. She stopped in with no warning, didn't stop at the front desk to get a visitor badge, parked in a disabled parking spot, and just gave me more stuff. I haven't gone through it yet, but it's probably more expired food.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Idenity Theft

This past Monday my husband logged into his bank account and saw that there was an unexplained debit for $146. We don't share an account (yet) but he asked me if I could think of somewhere we spent that amount. He said it looked like it had been something paid online, not via check or by someone swiping a debit card at a store.

I've had my idenity stolen, twice, in one year. It's not fun. Especially when you're dependent on a debit card because you never carry cash and your debit card becomes invalid the moment your bank validates the false charges on your account... so...

He called his bank and asked them to look into it, which they did but couldn't explain it. Then Wednesday the same thing happened with a $66 payment to Chevron. He called the bank again and they decided to cancel/stop payments on in-coming checks and were going to possibly have to change his account number. Yesterday, Thursday, a few more payments went through and finally one with an actual copy of a check written. He looked at the check and it was signed with his mother's signature.

A little history.... When I changed my name on my bank account after we got married, I asked my husband if he would meet me at the bank to be added to my account. He was too busy and said "you aren't on mine yet, so it doesn't really matter." I've seen his checks before though and his mother's name is on his checks along with his. This was done because he used to run a business where his mother lives and she was able to pay bills out of his account when he was gone with those checks.

Back to yesterday.... he called his mother and it took her about 10 minutes before she finally realized she had indeed paid her bills with his account.... $750 worth of bills.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Last Night

Last night my husband and I were arguing about money, which isn't uncommon for us as he has just started working full-time and for the past 5 years I've been paying for everything while he's been in school. This was only made worse when he announced that his mother would be "stopping by" in a little while.

We haven't seen her since a week before Christmas, well except for the time she "stopped by" my office two weeks ago to drop off some mail that my husband had received at her house. This visit I'll write about in another post.

I had about 15 minutes advanced warning and therefore was going to leave and head to my office just so I didn't have to play nice with her, but my husband really wouldn't let me leave. He doesn't like her either and likes me to help negotiate around all the uncomfortable topics she brings up. Her visit went like this...

We were in the bedroom when she arrived laying on the bed petting our cat. She walked in, no knocking, no door bell, no phone call. "Your favorite mother is here..." she yelled, not joking. "Do you have dinner made?"

Ugh. I finally got up and hugged her tiny self as she said "it's about time you came to say hello to your mother in law". It'd only been 20 seconds.

In her arms was a portable ice chest/bag thing that keeps food cold that she sat on our kitchen counter. My house is small, 1000 square feet and my kitchen is probably only 20 square feet. One of my biggest pet peeves is when she comes over and takes over my kitchen. Luckily, I already had made dinner for my husband and I and she could see me as a responsible housewife taking care of her son. Several times in the past she has said things like "you really should have more spices in your house" or "I can't believe you don't have half a cow stored in your freezer." She loves to start phrases with "you need to". I'll write 2 more blogs about that soon.

Back to the ice chest/bag thingy... she started unloading the bag and putting all kinds of food on the counter. "I brought you the last of stuff in my freezer." She does this every month. Really, it should be seen as a kind thing to do; however, her intentions are "When are you going to cook this so I can come back over and haunt you some more?"

I should mention that 90% of what she gives us is expired.

A brief history

My husband and I started dating 5 years ago (January 2007) and are now married. When we met, his father was very ill and ended up passing away in May 2007. His mother is still very much young and healthy and lives an hour and a half from us. My parents are 2 hours away. We live in Florida, have 2 dogs, 1 cat, 0 kids.